I didn't even try to make that a haiku, in case you're thinking about laughing at me.
A bit of a disclaimer. You may find yourself repelled by me, as I present myself here. I wish I could be myself without sounding so narcissistic, but it's not possible. You may be surprised at the very personal level of my writing here. I don't intend to make you uncomfortable, but I don't see why people shouldn't have a chance to see me in as much detail as I see myself. It's a shame people hide, that they're afraid of revealing themselves to others. I know I'm guilty of that more than most. But I attempt to make up for it here. A thought struck me one day: my arrogance and sense of superiority have created an immense, humbling, self-pity, because I realize that I am no better than the people I look down upon. How's that for inner conflict? In practice, they balance each other out pretty well in conversation, but they don't leave me an entirely stable human being.
Well, I have an IQ that's somewhat above average. Worth note, perhaps. It reflects (coincidentally—I don't put too much stock in it) my general intelligence. However, I'd say the characteristic of mine that makes most people think I'm so wonderfully brilliant is my thoughtfulness. I think deeply, often, and about a lot of things. Consequently, I'm depressed and miserable for most of my waking hours, when I'm not distracted by some superficial nothing, anyway. Most people are the same way, I've decided. They're just so afraid of stopping and thinking that they keep going on forever with distractions, never pondering on real issues, things that could actually broaden their outlook on life. Maybe they're better off. Look at me. I'm miserable because of my introverted thoughtfulness.
However, my skepticism, cynicism, and pessimism are only the defining factor in my personality. There's more to me, secondary as it may be. For example, I have the good luck to possess a healthy, male body of six foot one inch, one hundred seventy pounds or so in weight, and that born on the fifth of March, in the year of nineteen hundred and eighty-five, currently possessing blue eyes, brown hair, a fair, clean complexion (more or less—it comes and goes), and four limbs. As some meager proof of this, I have small, fuzzy pictures for those interested who haven't already seen me. If you don't like the page so far, you might as well leave. The topic comes around full circle a couple of times, but the style changes not.
More information. Hmm. I'm sensitive, intuitive, analytical. I love spirited discussion, a little bit of good poetry or prose once in a while. I play the piano well, but I'm almost certainly never going to be a pianist. I could probably play well enough, at least for ensemble playing, but there are a lot of negative aspects to that career. I type, at a maximum, a hundred and fifty or so words per minute. I'm romantic, but a complete virgin. I'm looking, preferably for someone every bit as disillusioned with everything in general as I am. I'm generally not interested in friends. I don't really see any opportunities to enjoy them to any really useful extent. I can't see myself in trivial relationships with anyone but completely sympathetic (no pity necessary, however) and intimate people. Anything less seems so hollow, no matter how similar or interesting the person may be. I wouldn't base a friendship on anything less than a frank discussion of issues that are very serious, deep, and close to me. You may have guessed at this by my willingness to publish this document on the internet, available to all to read and mock. I suppose, at its best, it's a commentary on modern times. I think my attitude is typical of the repressed feelings held by at least a sizable, and perhaps representative, number of western people. Maybe that's just wishful thinking, though. An unconscious, almost involuntary effort to instill some meaning into my life, since all of my conscious efforts have fallen so far short of success (though I think I'm going to do pretty well with my UDMS stuff, eventually).
But, going back, a document of such personal content touted as a homepage and not some literary work is unheard of in our modern world. So what if I want my web presence to have substance? All these half empty, meaningless, fragments of undeveloped composition skill and well-intentioned failure at creating something of any value at all, that are called personal homepages, truly disgust me. Maybe I will set a new trend. It seems that, in general, people have some sort of either aversion or inability that keeps them from being able to carry out meaningful personal communication over online channels. I have one person on my AIM buddy list that I can actually talk to about interesting things. I don't know anyone that likes to carry on conversations over e-mail. I don't personally know anyone that frequents discussion boards. It's a shame, to say the least. Of course, if you're reading this, you're most likely not one of those people. I've probably even been to your message board or something.
Not a great picture, but it gives you a pretty good idea of what I looked like in mid-2002. Click on it for a full size view. Yes, I know that it's not a thumbnail. I figure you don't need to download a thumbnail and the full size one, since this is the only image on the page (indeed, on the whole site).
I'm a college dropout. Education is stupid. Well, at least, institutionalized education is stupid nowadays. It might improve someday. But until then, I'm not going to bother getting a degree from anywhere. I don't need them. I don't want to have to put up with so much shit. I got a high school degree. Isn't that enough for them? I have a nice job, so I don't think I have to worry about it, at least for a while. It's a very nice job, programming bank software.
Truth, though I'm completely pessimistic about ever actually finding any of it. It seems to me like logic and reason aren't really adequate methods of discovering truth. They can't make anything absolute. They just aren't up to the task. And I sure don't see anything else that even offers to help me as far as truth goes. I can, however, hope that one day I may be proven wrong and discover real truth by some freak accident. It would be nice if I acquired superpowers along with the package. An added bonus, you could say.
My best attempt at finding it is UDMS (Universal Debate Modeling System). More information here.
I also write narrative fiction, narrative nonfiction, descriptive nonfiction, expository nonfiction, a little poetry, and prose (blanket term in case I missed something important). Here's one called A Philosophical Attitude. A poem I wrote about a girl: Crush.
Weird, but cool. Crazy ideas, but smart ideas. Not happy, but not mean. Many good qualities, humanly speaking. He suffers from a total inability to conform to social molds. He incredibly smart. How does he do it? I hate him, because he doesn't have to work at anything. He always eats out by himself. He speaks so complexly, so much like textbooks or philosophical monograms. He has shabby hair. He's so assertive and self-confident. I wonder why he isn't more popular with one crowd or another. Must be a strange person. He is a strange person. Look at the way he walks. Why does he have to understand everything so much better than I do? He always asks these questions about things that are so far above me that it seems like he's already earned a degree in whatever subject he speaks on. Why does he always seem to be in his own world? I wonder what he's always thinking about, never paying any attention to his surroundings. Yet he doesn't seem clumsy. He never smiles, really. But he's always interesting and funny, and he makes conversation well enough. There's something not right about him, but at the same time a little interesting.
(for those of you that appear to be interested in reading even this far)
I program. I like it, but not that much. In fact, I don't think there's anything I really like that much, except maybe writing about philosophy. I'm just not the Epicurean type, really. However, I do enjoy beauty. Especially the beauty of the female figure, but by no means exclusively. Though I don't exactly enjoy the beauty of the male figure (if you know what I mean), I enjoy almost any other type of beauty as well. Other favorites types include some music (the more familiar the better, but country should be burned), very warm summer evenings with fresh air and thunderclouds looming in the air, mathematics (when I'm not caught up in all the work involved), and web pages.
Unfortunately, my experience of all this is vitiated by my constant awareness of the universe as an impersonal, or even hostile, presence. Why would I use the term presence? Well, it is obvious that everything in life is experienced either as external to one's self, or as originating from one's self. Each set of experiences can be characterized, described, etc. At best, my internal experiences are ambivalent toward my happiness. The word presence can be used to describe anything that is present in one's mind. Right now, the universe, or the sum of all my external impressions, can be said to be present, or immediate.
Boy, do I sound like one of those idiot philosophers. I need to cut out the stupid talk. Maybe go get some breakfast. Anyway, back to the description. I'm not a totally apathetic person, really. I do have a goal in life. My happiness isn't based on whether or not I know truth, of course. I may be idealist, but I'm pretty pragmatic when it comes down to knowing how people work, and not making an exception for myself. People aren't more or less happy because of any truth they may happen to possess; their happiness is based solely on their contentment with their complete situation, which is mostly physical. The reason I keep searching for truth, even with this knowledge, is that if I don't, I may miss an important fact about the universe. For example, it could be true, as the Christians have it, that if I do not accept the grace of God and become a follower of Christ, (and other things, depending on the denomination,) I will go to hell after I die, and spend eternity there. Now, that wouldn't exactly be the most pleasant thing. However, it wouldn't be practical to just accept the truth of the Christian story and live that life without reflecting on the truth of any of it in any critical manner. For there are many other religions with similar claims that can no more easily be ignored. Furthermore, it seems to me that were ultimate truth discovered, the path to ultimate happiness would become clear, if it will ever become clear. It doesn't seem to me that there would be any likelier way to find it, really, though I imagine there are easier ways. And ultimate happiness is desirable, nearly by definition, right?
That established, I must reiterate that I know my happiness is based more on physical comforts than anything else. People say money can't buy happiness, and I agree. But the statement is only barely true. Happiness is rather easy to obtain, actually. It's just that you have to make intellectual sacrifices to do that. You have to pretend that the universe is something it's not, perhaps that some intelligence out there is concerned for your happiness and safety, or at least ignore the fact that there isn't. You have to know exactly what situation will lead to happiness, how to get there, and how to sustain it. I believe that every human has a definite set of desires that needs to be fulfilled in order to provide happiness. This done, the person will be completely happy. The set isn't simple, but I believe an instructive list can be compiled. A person must have food in their stomach, be at a comfortable temperature, have enough sleep, have enough to stimulate their minds, have companionship, and feel accomplishment. Of course, it's a pretty bad list, if you ask me. But I know exactly what I lack in it.
I need companionship. Ideally, this would take the form of the long term, committed type of relationship with a member of the female gender. Ideally as well, this person would have a number of qualities that I have set down in some detail after much thought. As far as a description of myself, I think the list does more than anything I have said so far on this page. Therefore I will print it here.
The perfect girl for me is a girl that is highly intelligent, comparable to me, with the same interest and ability in philosophy/theology/religion as I have. She will have the same philosophical viewpoint as me, more or less, so that we can relate in that matter completely. She will be at least moderately attractive physically, not overweight. She will be able to relate very well to me, and not necessarily well to other people. She will have good relationship skills, though. She will be open and forthright, accurate in her judgments and very intuitive in her communication. She will have a grace and elegance of speech that shows she has studied much. She will be talented, and show an interest in at least a couple of areas apart from philosophy, and ability in many. She will preferably not be too poor, so that she can afford a good education and can thus help in supporting us if need be. She will be good with money, not desirous of many things, not apt to buy uncontrollably. She will not be clueless as to the things of everyday life; preferably, she would have a good grasp on the matters of day to day living. She will be very energetic and supportive. She will like physical contact (non-sensual as well as sensual), and will mainly use that to show affection—she will show and receive love in a way compatible with me. But she will be able to criticize me accurately, and will accept criticism without becoming unduly defensive. She will love to argue. She will not feel intimidated by me, and will have about the same presence in a conversation as I do. She will also have the same ideas and goals in marriage and dating that I do. She will not want children, and she will not want a lot of money. She will be hesitant about sex before marriage, and will see the marriage ceremony as endowed with the same importance and magnificence I give to it. She will be able to love me deeply and fully, for all of my life or hers, whichever ends first. She will never want to leave me. She will be the most amazing individual I ever meet.
If this interests you, please forgive my incredibly dull and ponderous style, my obvious self pity (it really doesn't come out that much in company), and all the various other shortcomings you may have noticed over the course of the hour it took you to read this far. If it doesn't, you don't really have to forgive me for anything. If you meet at least a third of these requirements (the more important ones are earlier and later in the list, generally, with less important ones in the middle) you have already exceeded my expectations, and shown yourself a member of the best ten percent of the population. If you meet all of them, you must have been made for me by the great being himself. I'll settle for half, though. I don't know if the chances of meeting any more of the requirements than that are any less than astronomical. If I haven't totally disgusted you thus far with all these objectifications, e-mail me. If you use a web client, that address is chris@debateeeemodeling.org. Without all those extra e's.
You will e-mail me, right?
Chris Capel
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File modified 7/2/2003