I guess it's been long enough to make a new one of these. The state of my personality. The state of my life. The way things feel to me. You can see an older one here. Because I know you want to.
I finally got around to taking a picture of myself. I won't bother with a thumbnail. Here you go.
I'm not interested in anything anymore. Well, not as much as I have been. I'm starting to be more mellow, but I'm still addicted to some things. Like reading blogs. I should really stop that. The world's just not important enough for me to keep up with it. The only way to stay sane in this world is not to care. And that's a shame, because it's why no one cares, and that allows dirty narcissistic people to be able to control the world. To control the constraints placed on millions and sometimes billions of people's lives. But I really don't care about politics enough anymore.
It's because of the Singularity. And it's strange, because it's easy to forget about the Singularity. I know that I've gone for months without thinking about it. And that's a problem, because when you realize that everything's going to change within a decade or two, making everything that's gone before (except for things in the direct line of causing seed AI to be created) will become irrelevant, then it changes your viewpoint. And I haven't internalized that changed viewpoint, and I keep slipping back into the old one. But that's not good.
I play the clarinet now. I don't have a great tone, and my lips are weak, but it's fun and relaxing to practice it. In a year I may actually be some good at it. Unless I practice harder, in which case I might be some good in a number of months. I spend most of my time on relaxing, meaningless practices like this. I know I'm smart. I think that I'm smarter than most people. Say, in the top 99.5%. But my big character weakness is that I'm easily depressed, and easily distracted, and I have insomnia, and I get caught up in silly things. I'm not a focused person. So, while I've wanted to accomplish something serious for a long time now, I've never been able to. I haven't been able to put in the consistent effort and thought necessary to finish something. I have trouble concentrating at work, though, in truth, that probably has more to do with my blog addiction than anything else.
I've been thinking of moving. I've always had a love of languages and of communication, and I think I might enjoy moving to a country and learning the language. I was thinking the Netherlands. Most of the people know English there, so it might not be ideal, but the country itself is very liberal and relaxed, so I would probably enjoy that aspect of it. I wonder what it's like to live in a crowded place like that. Mt. Pleasant is a weird place. I wonder if it's really that much harder to fit in here, or if it's just me.
All my life I've been a loner. I haven't been to any parties, or seen anyone I could call a friend, in probably about a year now. But I'm not that unhappy because of it. I've learned to content myself with my life, and my self-confidence is fine. Still, I'm kind of dissatisfied with my lack of social life. And I'd like to blame it on this fucking town. But I'm not sure that I'm justified in that. Still, I think I am. My credence is about .7-.8.
I've said for a long time that I want a girl to be intimate with. I've known for a long time pretty much what I want out of one. It boils down to being honest, extremely so, and interesting, and scientifically minded, and very smart, and graceful, and sexually attractive, and strong, and independent. But someone who will also want to have a certain amount of interdependence, and a lot of physical closeness. But I'm afraid that it's a rare combination, and certainly not something I'm going to find at the rate I'm going in this town. So I guess I won't bother looking any more until I move. I don't know how successful I'd be to use the internet to find someone. I suppose I could wade through the thousands of livejournal to try to find someone that appeals to me. But most likely they'd live thousands of miles away from me. I'm not interested in putting that much effort into a search that would be so futile. But online dating services suck eggs. Really. I've had a profile up on Match.com for ages now and I get no hits. Like maybe 30 pageviews every month or two. OK, I've gotten one hit. One measly hit. And I kind of screwed up that one.
Yeah, I suppose I'm a bit bitter. I guess that's kind of hard to avoid sometimes. I don't know how I'm going to turn out. But I feel very malleable, as a person, right now. I feel like I'm detaching myself from the chains I'm holding on to. I'm not really moving in any one direction yet, but eventually I'm going to find what I want to be, and I think I'm going to like it.
2005-7-17
