Metablog

Well, I got my notice a couple weeks ago. I’ll be leaving my job within the next few months. It’s nice to get such advance warning; I feel like I’ve really been appreciated at this job, and it’s a shame that my mental and emotional problems (not to mention my sleep problems) have interfered with my productivity to the degree that this has come about. But, as one of the owners said, this might be a good time to get out anyway.

I don’t know what I’m going to do next. I’ve been in a pretty sweet position as regards the tolerance I’ve had for my current style of life, which involves a lower salary than might be expected for my position, but with the ability to come in late and have lots of free time. I’m not sure if I could ever adjust to having to get up at 7 AM every day. So anyway, I’m going to be taking a bit of time off once I leave. Part of that will involve, perhaps, moving in with some family to cut down on rent costs. I’m a bit conflicted about the decision, as it involves moving from here in Austin to way out in the middle of nowhere. I don’t really get out all the time, but still, the city’s nice. And the job market in Austin is probably way better than the one in the middle of nowhere.

I’ve been thinking that maybe I should go into a different line of work, though. Perhaps one with more time flexibility, even if that means giving up advancement opportunities. Perhaps one where I work from home. That would be nice.

I’d kind of like to stay more independent, but I’m just not sure I’m up to handle the job market right now. I’m still not feeling very great. I just dumped my new therapist and I don’t think I’m going to look for another one. I just don’t see therapy ever helping me. I’m way too untrusting of people to ever really form the connections needed to make therapy efficacious. Especially not some random dumbass therapist. (In fact, I very well might be the most untrusting person you’ve ever met. I should do a post on this.) And honestly, I’m not too thrilled about psychiatry either. I articulated some of my concerns to my psychiatrist once, and all he did was feed me the standard bullshit pharma line about chemical imbalances. Apparently they’re even indoctrinating the medical students nowadays. Either that or he was just too arrogant to acknowledge that my concerns were legitimate. But I think the former is more likely.

Anyway, independence would be nice, but more difficult than I think I’m ready to handle right now. I’ve never had any other job except this one, which I started when I was 18. So maybe a few months of just thinking and gathering myself would be good before I go out into the world again. Maybe.

Inevitably, someone is going to bring up school. Ugh.

OMG! Someone actually started a conversation with me on a dating site! Someone interesting and attractive? Yes! This is surely a first. Since she could read this, I will say no more about her directly. Besides, I don’t really know that much yet, having had only one short conversation with her. I am anxiously waiting continued conversation. And anxiously dreading the possibility that she, having lost her interest, due to our conversation (or worse yet, due to reading my blog) has stopped correspondence between us.

I have limited my emotional investment in the possibility from the beginning with this scenario and others in mind, but it’s not possible to limit it enough to obviate the pain of rejection entirely. (Even rejection still floating off in the land of possibility.) But it’s not really the pain, so much as it is the possibility and tension and fear in the situation—the anxiety of it all—that really gets to me, drives me crazy, and drives me to distraction.

This has really preoccupied me. It’s driven me to feel more suicidal. I’ve already been feeling pretty goddamn suicidal. I’m at the stage now where I’m seriously getting close. I haven’t yet purchased the tools I’ll use, but I’ve gotten close a couple days to going out and buying the stuff.

So what’s my point here? I guess that, even with all this stress and drama, I think it’s worth it. The possibilities, the hope, the potential, make it worth it. Because nothing in life is worth quite as much as a good relationship, I think.