Shit. I have nothing to offer that you can’t think of yourself, but I want you to be better.

LB, I think you’re right about judging people I socialize with. But what I was referring to in that “merely very smart” remark was specifically about finding a partner, and about that I’m more conflicted. I’m afraid that with someone much less intelligent than me I wouldn’t be able to avoid feeling at some level like I was settling, and that would basically be poison for a really close, honest relationship. On the other hand, if I could get to the point where I really didn’t think it was settling, where I were able to respect and admire the person for other qualities, then I’d probably have a much bigger dating pool. And it seems like the latter attitude is more healthy anyway, but maybe the only way to adopt it would be in a fake, self-righteous way, and that would be even worse.

For the part of it that maybe I can empathize with some — the ‘wanting to find smart people to hang around with’, maybe a little probably useless advice? If my online-acquaintance judgment is worth anything, you’re at least approximately right about how smart you are. But I think drawing the kind of distinction you do between people who are “merely very smart” and your intellectual peers is going to lead you astray — thinking about whether someone you might make friends with is smart enough, on an absolute scale, that you’re going to enjoy their company is going to be a more forgiving measurement, and one that will leave you with more people to socialize with, than trying to figure out if they’re really as smart as you are.

And I’d think again about grad school too. Bad as everything one hears about it is, the worst-case scenarios I hear about is that people end up in situations that roughly approximate how you’re feeling now. At which point you’re no better, but no worse off. And the potential upside seems significant.

Your situation sounds bad and I am so sorry. I wish I could help more.