Metablog

Here’s a poem-ish thing I wrote several years ago. Do you think it’s any good? I still like it, but I suspect I’m really terrible at this sort of thing.

Crush

A simplicity, an unconscious grace,
fluid, natural, and inseparable
from her being,
that brightens her and her surroundings,

her presence demanding not awe,
but still, a happy appreciation,
instilling an insatiable interest,
immediate,

curves that admit of no criticism,
a smile, not of maturity, but of friendliness,
an innocence that has been happily forgotten,
discarded,

and the characteristic vitality of youth,
not tempered by any false religious wisdom,
not checked by pressures of purity, sanctity,
or excellence,

are what make her
my crush.

BTW, I was too chicken at the time to ever even talk to her. Ah, those were the days.

I took a methylphenadate pill this evening. I feel like I’ve been un-zombified. Night and day difference. I’ve been on Concerta in the past (that’s why I still had some) but it didn’t really seem to work for me. I wonder why it’s working now. Could be a combination of medications, or it could be I’m observing myself differently and so I see the difference now where before I was just blind to it. Or it could be something else. That’s the problem with these damn medications.

Well, it’s still not an ideal option, because of sleep and heart rate issues. But now that I know it makes such a huge difference, maybe I’ll see about getting something else that’ll work better, and maybe I’ll actually start blogging again.

My psychiatrist says I shouldn’t drink heavily.

I say, to hell with that.

When you’re a stuffy, meaningless nerd like I am, practically the only way you can get any meaningful emotional output is to drink, god damn it. If more depression is the cost for having a voice, then I say bring the depression on.

Meaningless rage. Undirected. Unfocused. Sporadic, containable, and not altogether noteworthy.

Except that it’s consistent. Regular. Familiar.

It appears for a moment, and then it’s gone. I observe it come and go, not as a victim or vessel, but as a disinterested party.

Contained. Redirected. Channeled. Dispersed.

It will not give me peace.

I’ve decided it might be neat to write a compiler, so I’m going to try writing a lisp compiler, from the ground up. I’m going to start from assembly language, and write my own assembler, and work my way up, building more abstractions and more safety into the assembler until eventually it becomes more of a compiler, and more features into the compiler until I get happy with it. It’ll be self-hosting all-the-while, and probably more-or-less impossible to port to another architecture. Not sure about the platform aspect, though. It won’t be Common Lisp, because that sucks, but it’ll be something along those lines. Most of the same features, none of the all-caps, silly-names weirdness. Probably a number of conventions taken from Java/C#/etc. since that’s what languages are doing nowadays. That is, if I get that far with it.

In the meanwhile, I’m terribly depressed. I was on Lamictal, which was helping quite a lot, but after about 5 weeks of treatment I got a tiny little rash, which apparently can be a first sign of a more serious, deadly rash. My doctor took me off it immediately, which I think was overly conservative. So for the past week I’ve been off my rocker. We’ll see tomorrow if he gets me on something else that will help.

In related news, I am still single.

I fixed the arrow keys and made some other minor improvements to my Tetris game. I’m not bothering with release notes. Bleah.