Social isolation and apathy
If you’ve just read my last post, you know I just got dumped. And if you’ve read this, you know that I’ve had a real problem with feeling apathetic. I now understand this problem as straightforward major depression, rather than ADHD. And, thanks to my most recent experience, I now understand this depression as being caused, in a major part, by social isolation, or loneliness. (Read on for the full story.)
I had a date, with a pretty interesting and attractive woman, three days ago, on Friday. It was a second date. She came to my apartment. We were going to try cooking a dish, (she being a cook, and I a fast-food eater,) but as it happened we were both a bit tired, so we just watched some DVDs. We laid on the couch, cuddling, for most of the evening. We went to a sandwich shop for dinner, and as we were eating, she mentioned that my apartment wasn’t terribly clean. (Well, I’m not the tidiest person in the world.) She got tired (unusually early, she said) around 9PM, and went home.
I had a couple hints that she might have been slightly disappointed by the evening, but nothing conclusive, and the next day over IM she sent a quick message before going out that indicated that my fears were groundless. I was elated—my usual depression faded—and for the first time in years, I felt the motivation to do something that has always been on my todo list, yet rarely done. I cleaned my apartment. For the next two days, I spent all my energy in doing all the things that my mother taught me to do all those years ago to make my living space presentable. I had the skills and the knowledge, and that weekend, I was able to make impressive progress on turning my apartment into something I’d be proud to present to the world.
The next day, I talked to her again. She wasn’t quite as interested as I thought.
In fact, she wasn’t really interested at all.
Well, I was sad, of course. But, more interestingly, I was demotivated. I no longer felt any drive to clean up the accumulated detrius of the past day than I had felt before my first date with this person. My motivation had returned to its pre-houseguest levels. I was now, once again, depressed.
Why keep one’s apartment clean when there are no houseguests to observe the cleanliness? I found no answer to this question. As far as I can tell, the only reason anyone is motivated to keep their living space clean (above the level of functionality or personal standards) is for others. With no one to impress, I had no reason to clean anything to “company” standards.
By itself, this story doesn’t lead to quite the point I thought it would when I began writing it. But, seeing as how I’m going to make the point anyway. Having a person to hold me to my own standards was a prerequisite for living up to those standards. Having a person there to motivate me was a prerequisite for having any motivation at all. Without anyone to motivate me, I am nothing. (By any standards.)
People’s desires are completely determined by the desires of their parents, peers, and romantic partners.
Glad to help.
August 8th, 2007 at 17:58
Not to state the obvious, but perhaps the cleaning should come before the house guests arrive? ;)
Sorry that it didn’t work out between the two of you.
August 8th, 2007 at 18:44
Hehe. I spent the whole evening before that date cleaning, and it was pretty respectable by the time she got there. But it still wasn’t completely clean.