Relationships and confidence
What is it about neediness that’s so unattractive, even for people who are themselves moderately needy? Why is it that confidence is so very widely viewed as so desirable, even a requirement? People take this so far—to the point where even depressed and lonely people try to fake high confidence and energy in order to attract others.
I really don’t understand this well. For me, I’m attracted more to moderately needy people than to people who aren’t, because I like to feel needed. I like to feel important to others. I don’t want to be too independent. This relates to my own insecurities—because I perceive myself as not having a lot of charisma with others, of not being seen as attractive, I try to find someone who sees themself as having a similar lack of power, so that the relationship will be balanced, so I won’t be plagued with fear of abandonment.
Though it might not always be this way, I think that where I am now, I’m going to need to depend a lot, emotionally, on my girlfriend, (if and when I get one,) until I can get happier and more confident. And I don’t want to be taking a huge risk when I do that.
I really don’t understand what the reason behind being so attracted to confidence is, unless you yourself are that confident (in which case the reason seems obvious). Do any readers have any idea what it is?
August 1st, 2007 at 17:25
I think that after being in a relationship for a significant amount of time, someone who is too needy can become smothering and make it hard for the other person to live their OWN life. Even if you think the world of each other, you’ll still need independence to do your own thing (eventually, even if the first 3 years are amazing and you want to spend all your time together).
It can also be a drain if you feel like the other person really needs you. There is suddenly pressure that if you go their life will fall apart. It’s much more gratifying if someone chooses to be with you because they like your company/presence.
And if someone is needy, there is the question, does this person like and want *me*? Or do they just need *someone*.
Hope that helps. I don’t think being completely absolutely independent is best, but like anything in life it’s about balance.
August 8th, 2007 at 18:37
Read “The Venusian Arts” by Mystery, Lovedrop (Chris Odom), and Neal Strauss. There are many elements, but I think the desire for a confident mate can be reduced to game theory. It’s rational to want someone who seems like they can do better than you, that way the the exchange of girlfriendship for boyfriendship seems like a great deal, like paying a discount rate for a valuable item.
September 12th, 2007 at 15:46
Hopefully Anonymous speaks wise words. Confidence signals that you like yourself, and liking yourself signals that you’re a person worthy of being liked.