What I’ve been up to
As you can see, I’ve not been really adding much content here recently. I feel bad about it, because I like writing, when I’m up to it. And I do want to have more readers and commenters. Part of the problem is that I’m divided on whether to make this blog a personal blog. I’m not sure that I want that kind of community. And then part is I’ve done diaries, and I’m sort of sick of them. But I think that, maybe, I could give these personal posts some wider appeal. So I’m going to give it a try. And anyway, there’s no point in not doing it when I’m not in a state to write about anything else.
So, I’ve been feeling lackluster. Not up to thinking hard about much of anything, let alone commenting on other blogs or writing. Pretty depressed. About two months ago I got a DVR and started watching TV again (because I can’t stand to watch live TV) and starting watching probably three or four hours a day. I think that might have caused some of this. I unhooked the thing a week ago, and haven’t really been feeling any better. My sleep in the last two weeks has been abominable, starting with going downtown one saturday night (getting in at 3 AM). I hadn’t ever done that before, and don’t plan to again. My sleep hasn’t recovered its precariously balanced state since then.
I’m feeling very dissatisfied with my emotional state. Going home to see my dysfunctional family for Thanksgiving started me thinking about the issues they gave me. I decided that it’s far past time for me to start dating—I’ve never dated anyone seriously, and I’m almost a virgin—so I started trying to work through OKCupid again to find someone. I’ve been one one date through there, but haven’t managed yet to get another. I’ve been able to strike up several conversations, but I botched one of them, and the others haven’t lead anywhere, and aren’t looking promising. Three of the people whose profiles that I liked the most (one of which was amazingly similar to mine) didn’t respond at all.
Through this process, I’ve discovered what my main emotional shortcoming is: the thing that’s been bothering me for years about myself, and which I think I’ve just been able to put into words in the past several days. That shortcoming is that I don’t feel affection for other people. In fact, I don’t really feel anything for other people. I don’t feel compassion or empathy either. I’m interested in other people, sure, and sexually I’m pretty normal, if kinky. But I’m afraid to show that interest. Afraid ask people to talk about themselves. Not afraid to talk to them, even about myself (witness this blog), but afraid to start conversations, and to ask questions. I’m afraid of doing anything that presumes that the other person has a reciprocal interest in me, personally. (That includes calling them on the phone and IMing them.) Now that I write that out, I can see that it looks like a manifestation of low self-esteem. And who would have ever guessed that was my problem? I should do a post on how the Lake Wobegon bias is the foundation of human well-being, and how realism is cynicism, and what that implies about happiness in someone who doesn’t want to be self-delusional. How do you improve your self esteem without being unrealistic?
And how did people evolve the ability to have poor self-esteem in the first place? Does it have something to do with a pack mentality?
December 18th, 2006 at 9:23
You know, I think I was wrong in this post. I don’t need to work on improving my self-esteem, because that’s not a root cause of anything. I need to work on the things that are getting in the way of my having good self-esteem, the other things I talk about.
December 19th, 2006 at 19:45
You know, you aren’t describing someone who doesn’t feel anything for other people. You’re describing someone who’s very concerned about imposing yourself on or intruding on other people. If all you felt was dispassionate interest, you’d be very weird, but you’d be out there interacting to see what the interesting people did when you poked them with sticks, and you wouldn’t care if you were being annoying or bothersome.
I never know what to do with low self-esteem; while it’s probably an accurate self-description, there isn’t much to do about it. But I’d keep it up with the online dating at least — those are people who signed up to hear from you generically, and anyone who responds actively wants to hear from you specifically.
December 19th, 2006 at 20:40
OK, well, yeah. “Not feeling anything” is vague shorthand for “not feeling like anyone really ever likes me (no matter the evidence) and therefore pre-emptively avoiding becoming emotionally attached to anyone using myriad defensive mechanisms”. The end result is quite similar, but as you note, I do feel some guilt and embarrassment and other negative things, but also in small quantities, since I avoid any attachments at all, so there’s not many opportunities.
On the other hand, I am seriously short on general compassion and empathy. But I imagine that could be resolved automatically along with the other—once I start truly caring for someone, I’ll find I can care for people in general.
December 20th, 2006 at 8:49
If you were looking for nosy advice from non-professionals who don’t know you well about your personal life (and really, who isn’t) I would focus less on how you feel about people, and more on what you want from them and how to go about making that happen. If you find people interesting and enjoy spending time with them, then being outgoing, or kind, or considerate, isn’t so much an expression of your inner feelings as a way to make them do what you want (enjoy your company, spend time with you).
Too much introspection about your emotional state can bring you to a place where you don’t really know what you’re feeling, and focusing on what you’re doing can help with that.