Metablog

So, I have issues.

I don’t feel affection easily. It’s a trust thing. Not surprisingly, I’m afraid to change it. If I can avoid it, I’d rather not change it by forcing myself into social situations until I start to become more comfortable in them. That’s putting myself in very difficult situations. Setting myself up for having my trust broken, repeatedly. The trust will usually have been misplaced. I think I know enough about trustworthiness to find someone who is very trustworthy, but right now I don’t know enough about people to really do intermediate degrees very well, so putting myself in situations where I’m not sure how close to get, how quickly, and in what ways, is going to be really hard.

Now, sure, I’m going to have to do this eventually. But I think I need something first. I need a person I can trust. Once I have a person I can trust, a person I can feel safe around, I can learn to calibrate my trust in my less intimate relationships without having to worry about even more heartbreak, because when I make mistakes my safe person will help me to heal and rebound in ways that I could never do on my own. I’m just not emotionally able to do that sort of thing.

To do it this way would be so much more comfortable for me. But it sounds like a bad idea, somehow. Unrealistic, maybe? But then, is it unrealistic to hope to find someone who is much the same as me? Someone not interested in a casual friendship, but only a very close one?

I wonder what sort of relationships would fill this sort of role. Would a therapist perform a similar role? I doubt it. One shouldn’t feel affection for a therapist, and I think I need to feel affection toward a person if I’m to be able to feel safe with them. (On the other hand, a therapist might be able to help with some of these issues. How do you pick a good therapist, anyway?)

Would a mentor? Well, it’s conceivable, but usually you imagine mentors being more focused on helping you with one particular (usually professional) aspect of your life.

A platonic friend? Well, physical intimacy, for me, would be absolutely necessary, but I imagine sexual intimacy would be irrelevant, so maybe. But they would, practically, have to be female. I can’t imagine asking a guy friend for a hug.

Commitment? I think I could come to really trust a person that I wouldn’t want to actually marry. There are people who are reliable and loving but who don’t have the interests or intelligence to really captivate me. And I think I would be able to have real relationships with those people. But can there be complete trust between two people outside of a committed, long-term relationshp? I don’t think so. On the other hand, “long-term” doesn’t have to mean “lifetime”. I would really considering doing a 5-year commitment to someone. Possibly expanding that commitment at the end of the first year, and possibly letting it stand at four years.

Damn. That sounds like a really good idea. Much more realistic than marriage.

Now that I think about it, there are plenty of kinds of committed relationships that have nothing to do with marriage. The kind of trust you put in the other members of your squad in the Army or the Marines or something, for instance. Or the kind of trust a child gives a parent.

Huh.

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